I’ve been watching Anne of Green Gables for three days and I started reading the books again as well. As with random things in life, it got to me. BIG TIME.
I started thinking about the girl I was when Ryan and I married… I compared her to who I have become and I am not satisfied. I think the moment that Isaac was born I lost myself… not only did I have a baby, I spent almost 2 of the next 3 years alone, and, with the birth of my son, I got sick… and I kicked into survival mode… I feel as if I have never left.
In the middle of the night I messaged Ryan. I was in shock when I woke this morning and read it. I decided to share it because it has so much truth in it… and I feel like maybe some of these truths don’t just apply to us.
“It’s after midnight and I can’t sleep.
I have been lonelier for you these past three days than any other day you’ve been gone since Isaac was born. I’ve been in survival mode for far too long and I’m scared to death it will simply become our norm.
I want to love you passionately. I want to know every single day that my life is not, and can not be, mundane simply because you are in it. I don’t want to forget why we are together or sweep our love for each other under the rug because it’s safe and we have bigger things to worry about, only to find it gone when we go looking.
I want to miss you every day not just because my work without you is more but because I’m missing a part of me that went with you.
I want to be barely able to keep my hands off of you when we’re together and feel as if you feel the same.
I want our extraordinary love story to stay strange and real and NOT NORMAL.
I don’t want a rut, I want “As you wish”
I don’t want a white picket fence, I want “Swords drawn against the world”
I want to be Anne and Gilbert through all the long years.
Most importantly, I want Isaac to know he was the product of THAT love not the dampener of it… or worse, for him to never know we felt that way once.
I love you with all of my heart and I want to learn to live that again.”
Truth… every word.
Time to get to work…