Good evening Xangaland!

I’m back but I’m exhausted!  We got a lot done in the last two weeks and accomplished everything we set out to do.  On top of that I have been fully occupied until Ryan comes home. 


I am really excited to see him again.  I can’t wait.  I have to pick him up on the flight line sometime tomorrow.  Still waiting to find out when that will be though. 

Thank you for all of your comments on the whole mess below, I have done a lot of thinking, praying and soul searching and have come to a decision.  I will talk about it later though because I don’t have time tonight.  But thank you all really.  Hope you have all had a safe couple of weeks.  Talk to you all soon.

Song of the day?  Ghost in this house by Alisson Krauss Just because I really grew attached to the song and this will be the last night I will be a ghost in my house.  And tonight I’m going to be a ghost that’s for sure.  I have to sweep, mop, dust, vacuum, clean the car, wash the car, water my flowers, and do laundry before I go to bed.  I’m gonad be one tired lady. 

Talk to you all later.


I put up the survey I was supposed to do at the bottom of this post.

I don’t really have time to write today as I am getting ready to leave today but I found this old post from October 17th and I wanted to repost it.  I am pretty sure none of you have read it as my only comment on it was from my Aunt Susan.  Back then I only had a few readers it was only my 6th or 7th post.  LOL   I am going to try to get around to everyone before I go.  Take care everyone.

Rediscover your self and every little thing around you.

Have you ever noticed that introducing something you once had great passion for to someone who has never experienced that thing can renew your passion for it? 

Opera, the sound breaks your heart and at the same time it sends your spirit soaring to the heavens.  But eventually you stop feeling that way every time you hear it.  Then you introduce someone to it and you realize it has been a while since you have felt that way and you see it in a rediscovered light and your spirit once again soars. 

A family member of mine recently was saved and her questioning and new found passion for that which I have had my whole life has forced me to reexamine and rediscover a joy and passion for my faith. 

My love for my husband is no less than it was but it is changed.  Watching someone fall in love for the first time reminds me how it was for me and I fall in love all over again. 

I wonder if this is how it is when you have children?

Imagine your child coming to you and asking, “Mom why do birds fly?”  And you realize you know the answer but you have forgotten the magic of the question.  You know the science behind why a bird flys but do you know why a bird flys?   Your child pets a bunny for the first time and whispers, “Mom it is so soft.” And for one moment you forget about germs and fur coats and think right along with her, It is so soft. 

When you have children do the simple things once again have magic?  White puffy clouds, ice cream, a spiders web, a mushroom that wasn’t there the day before, rainbows, rain when the sun is shining, the sandpaper tongue of a kitten, the slobbery tongue of a dog, a giraffes long neck, an elephants trunk, the list could go on forever.  

What a burden what a joy.  You become responsible for making sure that child discovers everything about herself and her world, what an amazing chance to rediscover yourself, your world. 

Perhaps that is the reason we say “Out of the mouths of babes.”  It is not that they are wise they simply speak simple truths that are unpolluted by hard times, pessimism and years of playing “The Game”.  

My challenge to you, live each day not just with wisdom but with wonder.  See each thing through the eyes of a child.

“Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of God.  Assuredly I say to you whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will by no means enter it.”Mark 10:14-15



Okay so here’s the survey thing….

1. Courtney
2. Courtneybear

3. Cakes of Baby

1. Cmlaube

2. Fallensparrow

3. Sparrow14


1. My Eyes
2. My feet (even though they are kind of big)
3. My Hair (when it’s not falling out)

1.  My fingernails
2. I have no neck
3. Bad skin
1. Welsh

2. Irish

3. German

1.  My husband being gone
2.  Evil children in movies

3.  Nightmares

1. God
2. Being with my husband and dogs (or at least talking to them.)

3. Xanga

1. Sandals

2. My wedding ring

3. Glasses (of course clothes too

1. Shaded Red
2. Queen

3. Beach boys

1. Wouldn’t it be nice (Beach boys)
2. Amazed (Lonestar)
3. Consuming Fire (Third day)


1. Faith

2. Laughter
3. Joy


TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (in no particular order):

1. I used to be a mime
2. I paint and I am rather good if I don’t say so
3. I went to collage

Bet you can’t guess which is a lie!

1. An ability to laugh at themselves cause I will.

2. The ability to see me.
3. Freckles 


1. Reading

2. Movies
3. Painting

1. See my husband

2. Become a mother
3. Slow down and live life


1. Being a mom

2. Being a Housewife

3. Being a mom



2. Israel

3. Australia

1. Agnes Irene
2. Orion Barock

3. Isaac Matthew

1. Be a Mom

2. Live with no regrets

3. Love with all my heart everyday


Song of the day?  Somebody to Love by Queen  Why?  Just because.  Hope you all have a great day!

Hello everyone,
I went around and visited everyone’s site and tried to read back a little but I don’t have time to comment.  I have a day here at home with tons of stuff to do and then I’m off again.  I have missed you all and I can’t wait for life to slow down to normal just a bit.  Only 10 days till Ryan is home again.  Can you believe it?  Everyone take care and I will be back soon. 

Isaiah 43
1 But now thus says the LORD, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. 2 When you pass through the waters I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.

Living Prayer by Alison Krauss

In this world I walk alone with no place to call my home
But there’s One who holds my hand
The rugged road through barren lands
The way is dark, the road is steep
But He’s become my eyes to see
The strength to climb, my griefs to bear
This Savior lives inside me there

In Your love I find release
A haven from my unbelief
Take my life and let me be
A living prayer my God to thee

In these trials of life I find
Another Voice inside my mind
He comforts me and bids me live
Inside the love the Father gives

In your love I find release
A haven from my unbelief
Take my life and let me be
A living prayer my God to thee
take my life and let me be
A living prayer my God to thee

Goodbye Xangaland.  I am leaving for the mountains first thing in the morning.  I should be back Thursday.  Today I felt as if God was dealing with me.  No matter what is going on no matter how hard things get.  He is there He cares what happens. 

Please would all of you say a prayer for my dear friend Leah?  She is going through a truly hard time right now.  She is a young wife to a soldier in the army of this country and new mother.  Her husband is just about to graduate tech school and come home to her so they could be a family at last.  But it is not to be…. He received orders for a year tour of duty in Korea…. without her or their daughter.  They have already been separated for four months and this is almost more than she can bear.  Much more than any of us could bear or so it seems sometimes.  If you could just keep her in your thoughts and maybe even stop by to say hello and encourage her.  She needs to know that she is not alone right now. 

Song of the day?  Living Prayer by Alison Krauss.   No matter what He is there.  No matter what you are going through He is there.  No matter how fare away you think He is He is there. 

I will be back soon.  All of you are in my thoughts and prayers.  


Good morning Xangaland,

We are finally finished with my Mom’s front room.  It looks wonderful and the furniture is now all we’re waiting on.  It will slowly be delivered over the next few weeks.  I have the day off today so I’m going got catch up with a few people I have missed in these last weeks.  I will be going over to my Aunt Susan’s house in just a few short hours to visit, and take some pictures for her to post later.  Then this evening I am going to have company.  The couple that Ryan took the TDY for wants to come see the new door, window, and car.  They also were talking about going to see a movie and getting some dinner so that should be fun….. This will be the first time I have seen or heard from them since Ryan left. 

Tomorrow I am leaving though for the mountains.  My parents have a small cabin in Prescott that desperately needs to be remodeled.  I’m not just talking about looks either.  This thing is old and has problems holding out the weather and the mice alike.  So we are going up there to finish out the bottom floor and move everything down so that this summer they can literally rip the top apart.  Why do they need me you might ask?  Because I do tile and the bottom floor bathroom is only half done.  So for the next few days I will be laying tile and working on drywall.  I am leaving Saturday and coming home Wednesday night then going back up Saturday again and coming home for good the next Thursday.

So all in all this is going to be quiet a busy two weeks.  Ryan has already been gone for two and I can hardly believe it.  By the time I get home from up north there will only be three days until he comes home.  The time has flown by.  I will try to write again before I leave but if I don’t get the chance, goodbye and I hope all of you have a wonderful week.  I will try to write again next weekend when I am home.  I am going to come around and visit you, hope I don’t miss anyone, I am pretty far behind.  Take care all of you, and have a wonderful week. 

Song of the day? Praise Chorus by Jimmy Eat World.  I know I have done this one before, but it is such an upbeat song and for me it is profound.  Last time I made this one the song of the day I put up the first verse today I’m putting up the second.  I love the lyrics in this song.  I love the challenge.  Basically, okay get over it and get things done you can’t just wait around for them to happen because they won’t.  Great song for a good day. 

Are you gonna live your life standing in the back looking around?
Are you gonna waste your time?
Gotta make a move or you’ll miss out.
Someone’s gonna ask you what it’s all about.
Stick around nostalgia won’t let you down.
Someone’s gonna ask you what it’s all about.
Whatcha gonna have to say for yourself?
I’m on my feet, I’m on the floor, I’m good to go.
Now all I need is just to hear a song I know.
I wanna always feel like part of this was mine.


One little boy and one little girl holding hands and spinning in the playground. 
The little boy let go and the girl went tumbling to the ground…..

That little boy, my cousin Timmy, is no longer a part of our lives.  My heart mourns the loss of him, my life has a hole in it, my world has an empty space.  He was my cousin, my husband’s best friend, my best friend’s childhood sweetheart.  He was the one that completed us.  We laughed and cried together, he rounded out a table at dinner so that no one sat alone and always made us laugh.  But not anymore……..

We grew up together, the four of us.  We were extensions of each other.  Timmy and Ryan were best friends for their whole lives just like me and Emma.  They were inseparable, they were always together.  Then of course there was the fact that as children I was in love with Ryan and Emily with Tim.  He was her first kiss… her childhood sweetheart.  

I remember once at a church camp up in Prescott when we were 13 and 14 we spent almost everyday exploring the woods.  We walked and talked and sang together.  The boys threw pine cones over hills to scare any bad guys away and us girls quietly rolled our eyes and let them be our heroes.  Then at night when we sat in the chapel they sat with us and prayed with us.  The four musketeers… the inseparable little group.  Wherever there was one there was two and where there was three there were all of us…  But not anymore…….

He was my husbands best man at our wedding.  He signed out marriage licence and walked my best friend down the aisle.  He drove us away in his big white van and he kissed my cheek and said goodbye.  He toasted at our wedding…. “To Ryan and Courtney, it has always been the four of us and may it always be!”  We all loved each other so much.  But not anymore….

The part that hurts the most is that no one knows what happened.  We came home from our honeymoon and there was a distance that had never been there before.  It grew and grew until there was a canyon in between and no way to cross it.   We tried so hard to reach him to touch his heart.  We broke ourselves on the rocks he had become.  There was nothing left to do but let go though we didn’t know that for years.  But now we know……

Wherever he went there was laughter.  Ryan and Timmy could crack up a whole room.  Whether the people in it wanted to laugh or not.  There was always joy wherever they went.  They were like fireflies lighting up the dark.  Maybe it burned too bright too fast.  Because now there is a dark spot in this life.  For years my husband would not even talk about him.  He mourned him as if he had died.  Imagine losing your best friend, now imagine that he was still alive and well in this world and the loss was his choice.  There was no explanation, no chance to defend or hold on just distance.  That distance slowly broke our hearts.  But not anymore……

Now I can remember him with fondness and that hint of bittersweet sorrow that happy moments long gone always bring me.  Ryan is healing too… We have come to a point where we can laugh about days gone by without anger.  We can mourn his loss without opening wounds in our hearts.  There is healing here but there will always be a space for him in our hearts.  He is a part of who we are, of who we became, and he is loved.  We were angry with him for so long.  But not anymore……

Look at us as children…. Ryan is the one being baptized, Timmy is the little boy with his feet in the pool behind him in the black shirt, I’m the little girl in the bottom right corner you can just see my bangs and a little of my back and Emily is the girl in the blue and white stripped shirt standing behind Timmy. 

I had to write this because he deserves to be more than mentioned as he has been before.  He was and is such a part of us. Maybe someday he will laugh his way back into our lives and there will be more than healing there will be joy but for now there is peace.  I love this picture because they didn’t know what was coming.  They had joy.  They were so young so innocent and so together.  But not anymore……

One little boy and one little girl holding hands and spinning in the playground.
The little boy let go and the little girl went tumbling to the ground. 

And then he walked away…… 

We will always love you Tim… Please know that.

Song of the day?  Timothy by Jet  I’m sure you can guess why.  Strange that there is a song that so completely fills the need I had. 


Good morning Xangaland,

Song of the day?  (Let’s just get that out of the way as it is already blaring at you!)  Are You Gonna Be My Girl by Jet.  Why?  Because the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, I feel better than I have in years and that warm weather is rolling in.  This song screams summer, convertibles, road trip….. so today it’s Jet. 

I am off again today to my mom’s house to continue working on her front room.  We are almost done which is good since her furniture is being delivered on Wednesday.  So I am off to work!  I will be for the rest of this week and then we are all going to Prescott for two weeks to work on their cabin which should be pretty fun.  I will be back on the weekends.  After that Ryan will be home and this month is flying by!  I can’t believe how quickly.

So the basic consensus is that my car is weird.  I agree.  There are parts of me that are revolted by the boxiness but hey the gas mileage and then the rest of me keeps going out to just look at it.  It’s so ugly it’s cute!  It doesn’t matter though I just bought it for the economy and the space inside, the fact that I kinda like how it looks is irrelevant.  But really I think only a mother could love this face…….

Anyhow…..  I will try to come back later and write something real.  I have a story I need to tell it just takes time which I have little of.  I hope all of you are doing good and had a wonderful weekend.  Have a good day today and take care!


So what’s the secret I’ve been keeping?  You guessed it, Ryan and I bought a new car!  We bought it to replace my mini van so that when we have kids we have a much more dependable vehicle.  We bought the new 2005 Scion Xb.  I know ugly but kinda cute right?  

Seems kind of crazy but this thing comes fully loaded, has as much internal room as my van and gets 36 miles to the gallon IN TOWN!  Not to mention it is cheap.  After tax, title, and licence, everything it cost $16,943.00 which is almost impossible to get for a new car let alone a van.

I absolutely love it and I can’t wait for Ryan to come home so he can be excited with me!

And on another note here is the gate that we had installed.  It used to be just a solid wall of brick. 

Not much else going on around here.  I hope all of you are having a good weekend so far.  I will try to update again later.

Song of the day? The Greatest by Kenny Rodgers.  Why?  Just because I love this song and it makes me happy.  Not to mention it’s baseball season again!  It’s such a great song about life.  It is all in the perspective.  It is what you choose to make of it.  Have a great night everyone!


Good morning everyone,

Yet another day of running around for me.   No end in sight really but as a result the time is flying by.  I can’t believe Ryan has already been gone for a week tomorrow! 

Well big things happening in life right now but I just don’t have time to write it all out.  I swear as soon as I get the time there will be a post with pictures!  I hope all of you are doing great today.  Thank you all so much for your prayers and comments in these last few days.  I, once again, don’t know how I ever lived through a deployment without you. 

Song of the day?  I’m leaving this one because once again we are supposed to be up in the 90’s which isn’t too bad until you consider this is April and out summer isn’t over until the middle of October!  Plus this song is a happy upbeat song and I’m in the mood for happy! 

Everyone take care and if I don’t talk to you again have a great weekend!