Good Morning Xangaland!
I’m almost back… just a few more things to do to this beast and we should be good to go… I have just a moment online before I go do them but I just wanted to update you and of course leave you with a chuckle…
My dad sent this to me and my uncle sent it to him… My dad says it had him in tears he was laughing so hard and I must admit it had me the same way… I was definitely in tears (though I’m not sure if it was from the joke or chocking on my bagel!) I think you’ll enjoy it! So I’m off to finish rewiring this thing and I’ll hopefully be back full tilt tomorrow!
This was submitted by a guy who bought a “pocket Taser”, for his wife
for their anniversary.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety…. WAY TOO
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I
was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue
arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going
to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did
want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle
spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with
two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries, thinking to myself, “no possible
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my
I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, “don’t do it master,” reasoning that a one-second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad.. I decided
to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the
my naked thigh, pushed the button, and
HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS
I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making
meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly
thinking to herself, “do it again, do it again!”
Note: If you ever feel compelled to “mug” yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three
second burst would be considered conservative.
A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing
at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace. How did they up get there???
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face
felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed
I’m still looking for my testicles? I’m offering a significant reward
for their safe return.
Just one more giggle.
|You Have a Choleric Temperament |
You are a person of great enthusiasm – easily excited by many things.
Unsatisfied by the ordinary, you are reaching for an epic, extraordinary life.
You want the best. The best life. The best love. The best reputation.
You posses a sharp and keen intellect. Your mind is your primary weapon.
Strong willed, nothing can keep you down. Your energy can break down any wall.
You’re an instantly passionate person – and this passion gives you an intoxicating power over others.
At your worst, you are a narcissist. Full of yourself and even proud of your faults.
Stubborn and opinionated, you know what you think is right. End of discussion.
A bit of a misanthrope, you often see others as weak, ignorant, and inferior.
Well You think? All of it is so true except for the last part of course. I’m never wrong end of disscussion. LOL
I’m giggling like a mad fool can you tell?
And on that note have a good day!