Empty fingers…

Guten Tag,

Here I sit once again… Starring at the blank screen with absolutely no idea what to write!  I have nothing to talk about so I have decided to tell you why I have nothing to talk about.

You see there are three or four HUGE things up in the air for us right now and due to various circumstances none of it has been something I could really talk about.  Mostly because the military has been cracking down on information given out in blogs (so military wives watch what you talk about!)  So I’m going to do my very best to tell you what’s been going on without saying anything I’m not allowed to say.

1)  First and foremost for both of us is the Deployment.  Ah the dreaded word for every military family.  Since Ryan and I have been married he has spent a total of 12 months of our marriage sleeping in another bed an ocean away from me.  In truth we have been incredibly blessed in this department, many people have had to endure much more time apart.  We are currently waiting to hear some news that may have a dramatic effect on our lives.  Sometime in the next two months (sorry I can not be more specific due to restrictions) we will find out when and if Ryan will be deployed again.  (Let me just say that as of right now his chances of NOT going are about 5%)  This is not the big deal…  the big deal would be that we are also waiting to find out, not if the deployment will be between three and four months (as all of his previous deployments have been) but it will be somewhere between 4 and 12.  Let me just say that a twelve month deployment would be fine with both of us.  This is his job, it is his duty, we both knew this was a possibility when we started down this path in the beginning.  The problem is that it will be while we are HERE. 

Let me just address this right now since I know it is the question I will be asked the most.  NO I can not go home.  I could maybe visit once or twice for a week or two but that would be all.  Let me explain.  While Ryan is deployed I can not leave the country for more than 30 days at a time.  If I do they cut a few things out of our paycheck since I’m no longer “Living” here.  I can’t tell you what exactly but let me just say that I would lose about a third of our monthly pay and the ability to pay for this house which would, of course, put me in breach of contract.  This is obviously not an option.  The other problem is the dogs.  If I leave I will have to board them.  (I can’t take them back with me since it costs about  $2,500 for a one way trip)  At the discounted price of 10 dollars a day I’m looking at over three hundred a month.  (If that is not available due to overbooking I’m looking at closer to 15 a day which puts me closer to $450 a month)  Not too terrible but when you add it to the money I would lose by leaving it’s just not an option.  So in the end I will be stuck here, 6,000 miles from my family and if he goes where he thinks he’s going (again I can’t say) we’re talking two 15 minute phone calls a week and maybe an email or two.  Add to all of this the question burning hard into my mind…  When in there are we supposed to work on having a family?  And if we succeed before he goes?  Then he misses the birth of our child and at least the first few months of that child’s life.  Many people do this and I’m sure we would survive but it would just be awful if after almost 7 years of infertility he missed it all.

The other huge issue with all of this is timing.  We had a solid set of dates that he could deploy within and so did not plan anything within those dates. (sorry can’t say what they are)  I will say that we planned other things to coincide with those dates.  We have a 14 day visit from his parents in October, and a month long visit from my parents in November and December… all supposed to be BEFORE he leaves.  Now we are hearing whispers that due to some changes the AF is making (which I can not discuss) he may be leaving before any of this happens.  THEN WHAT?

2) The second huge thing going on right now is our assignment.  We have had some things in the works now for almost as long as we have been here.  Trying to get back to Luke AFB in Phoenix when we leave here so that we will continue to be by our family.  We have about an 80% chance of getting it for many reasons I can’t go into here.  We just found out that the AF is making some changes in Ryan’s career field and that if what they are trying REALLY hard to do happens in the time frame they are pushing for, then we have NO shot at Phoenix or anything close to it.  We will have five states available to us; Colorado, Georgia, Virginia, Illinois, and Texas. 

Let me just say that as much as I know that these are all great places only Colorado has ever been on our list and it’s going to be very hard to get if these changes happen.  If this thing doesn’t happen and we do manage to get home then we’ll have a brief reprieve while they finish the changes and then we’ll be moved.  Again we knew that this could happen and we know it’s part of the job… Just kind of a blow you know?  We spent our whole early marriage trying to leave Phoenix.  We desperately wanted to live somewhere cool with mountains.  We prayed that God would have His will in our lives and those doors just kept slamming shut in our face.  So we eventually came to accept that Phoenix was where we were supposed to be.  And an amazing thing happened.  We learned to love it there and to really appreciate being close to family.  The moment we were really done trying to leave and had taken our names off of ALL the lists we got Germany.  It’s hard to accept what you believe is God’s will in your life and to finally find peace and contentment in that thing that you wanted so badly to change only to have it change at long last and realize that you want it back!  Talk about never knowing what you have until it’s gone!

Sometimes I think that God put us here so that when we go back to the states no where we live will feel far away after this!

3) & 4) are still things I can’t talk about but they’ll be coming soon I hope.

I’m going to leave it here for today.  Please just keep us in your prayers if you think about it.  On top of the other things that have happened to us this summer… It just feels like we’re barely getting up before we’re knocked down again.  I just want to say too that I’m not complaining.  As I said we knew from the get go that all of these things were possible.  It’s the unknown that is discouraging…

Courtney

P.S.  If you have any questions about all the above stuff or want to know more feel free to message me or comment and I’ll do my best to answer you.  I may even just post the questions here with the answers.