Empty fingers…

Guten Tag,

Here I sit once again… Starring at the blank screen with absolutely no idea what to write!  I have nothing to talk about so I have decided to tell you why I have nothing to talk about.

You see there are three or four HUGE things up in the air for us right now and due to various circumstances none of it has been something I could really talk about.  Mostly because the military has been cracking down on information given out in blogs (so military wives watch what you talk about!)  So I’m going to do my very best to tell you what’s been going on without saying anything I’m not allowed to say.

1)  First and foremost for both of us is the Deployment.  Ah the dreaded word for every military family.  Since Ryan and I have been married he has spent a total of 12 months of our marriage sleeping in another bed an ocean away from me.  In truth we have been incredibly blessed in this department, many people have had to endure much more time apart.  We are currently waiting to hear some news that may have a dramatic effect on our lives.  Sometime in the next two months (sorry I can not be more specific due to restrictions) we will find out when and if Ryan will be deployed again.  (Let me just say that as of right now his chances of NOT going are about 5%)  This is not the big deal…  the big deal would be that we are also waiting to find out, not if the deployment will be between three and four months (as all of his previous deployments have been) but it will be somewhere between 4 and 12.  Let me just say that a twelve month deployment would be fine with both of us.  This is his job, it is his duty, we both knew this was a possibility when we started down this path in the beginning.  The problem is that it will be while we are HERE. 

Let me just address this right now since I know it is the question I will be asked the most.  NO I can not go home.  I could maybe visit once or twice for a week or two but that would be all.  Let me explain.  While Ryan is deployed I can not leave the country for more than 30 days at a time.  If I do they cut a few things out of our paycheck since I’m no longer “Living” here.  I can’t tell you what exactly but let me just say that I would lose about a third of our monthly pay and the ability to pay for this house which would, of course, put me in breach of contract.  This is obviously not an option.  The other problem is the dogs.  If I leave I will have to board them.  (I can’t take them back with me since it costs about  $2,500 for a one way trip)  At the discounted price of 10 dollars a day I’m looking at over three hundred a month.  (If that is not available due to overbooking I’m looking at closer to 15 a day which puts me closer to $450 a month)  Not too terrible but when you add it to the money I would lose by leaving it’s just not an option.  So in the end I will be stuck here, 6,000 miles from my family and if he goes where he thinks he’s going (again I can’t say) we’re talking two 15 minute phone calls a week and maybe an email or two.  Add to all of this the question burning hard into my mind…  When in there are we supposed to work on having a family?  And if we succeed before he goes?  Then he misses the birth of our child and at least the first few months of that child’s life.  Many people do this and I’m sure we would survive but it would just be awful if after almost 7 years of infertility he missed it all.

The other huge issue with all of this is timing.  We had a solid set of dates that he could deploy within and so did not plan anything within those dates. (sorry can’t say what they are)  I will say that we planned other things to coincide with those dates.  We have a 14 day visit from his parents in October, and a month long visit from my parents in November and December… all supposed to be BEFORE he leaves.  Now we are hearing whispers that due to some changes the AF is making (which I can not discuss) he may be leaving before any of this happens.  THEN WHAT?

2) The second huge thing going on right now is our assignment.  We have had some things in the works now for almost as long as we have been here.  Trying to get back to Luke AFB in Phoenix when we leave here so that we will continue to be by our family.  We have about an 80% chance of getting it for many reasons I can’t go into here.  We just found out that the AF is making some changes in Ryan’s career field and that if what they are trying REALLY hard to do happens in the time frame they are pushing for, then we have NO shot at Phoenix or anything close to it.  We will have five states available to us; Colorado, Georgia, Virginia, Illinois, and Texas. 

Let me just say that as much as I know that these are all great places only Colorado has ever been on our list and it’s going to be very hard to get if these changes happen.  If this thing doesn’t happen and we do manage to get home then we’ll have a brief reprieve while they finish the changes and then we’ll be moved.  Again we knew that this could happen and we know it’s part of the job… Just kind of a blow you know?  We spent our whole early marriage trying to leave Phoenix.  We desperately wanted to live somewhere cool with mountains.  We prayed that God would have His will in our lives and those doors just kept slamming shut in our face.  So we eventually came to accept that Phoenix was where we were supposed to be.  And an amazing thing happened.  We learned to love it there and to really appreciate being close to family.  The moment we were really done trying to leave and had taken our names off of ALL the lists we got Germany.  It’s hard to accept what you believe is God’s will in your life and to finally find peace and contentment in that thing that you wanted so badly to change only to have it change at long last and realize that you want it back!  Talk about never knowing what you have until it’s gone!

Sometimes I think that God put us here so that when we go back to the states no where we live will feel far away after this!

3) & 4) are still things I can’t talk about but they’ll be coming soon I hope.

I’m going to leave it here for today.  Please just keep us in your prayers if you think about it.  On top of the other things that have happened to us this summer… It just feels like we’re barely getting up before we’re knocked down again.  I just want to say too that I’m not complaining.  As I said we knew from the get go that all of these things were possible.  It’s the unknown that is discouraging…


P.S.  If you have any questions about all the above stuff or want to know more feel free to message me or comment and I’ll do my best to answer you.  I may even just post the questions here with the answers.


25 thoughts on “Empty fingers…

  1. WOW…..you do have alot on your mind don’t you? GOSH. I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this. I think it’s horrible that you get shipped so far away and then he still can be deployed!….but I understand it when duty calls. I know he wan’ts to see the family as they probably do him too but it might be good for them to visit when he is gone to help fill your time…you know what I mean? I guess I am trying to look at the bright side.  I prayed for you after reading your post and I hope that everything will go just as you wish. Love ya!

  2. Wow! Lots of uncertainty and up-in-the-air stuff. That’s hard!  I’m a planner so to have it have to be that way would be super hard for me.
    If I had money I’d fly over and visit you for a week to help at least ONE week pass by quickly while he’s gone……
    Praying for you and love you!

  3. wow thats alot of stuff all going on at once.  I am encouraged by your take on it all and how positive you are remaining.  It would be hard to be away from the hubby for so long.  I will keep you all in my prayers.

  4. Ahhh, how I love the Air Force. I totally know how you feel about not being able to go home. The same thing happened to me when I was in Japan when Matt deployed. Everyone asked why I didn’t go home. I said we didn’t have the money but really it was because the Air Force would give me the boot from Japan.I sure hope everything works out!And Hey, Texas isn’t that bad! I’M HERE! =D

  5. I’m in Texas too!! I agree that maybe God has allowed you to be in Germany so anywhere within the states won’t seem quite as far away.
    I’ll be praying for you and Ryan. We know God will work this all out for you both. Love ya!!

  6. Wow, it must be difficult to just wait with no real imput on what your future holds. Thankfully you know Who holds your future–even though it seems like you are in the hands of military decisions. Best wishes as you await these significant decisions.

  7. My sister’s husband was deployed to Afghanistan a couple of years ago.  He spent 6 months of what was to be a 12 month tour, and it was tough on her.  Like you, she accepted that it was the job, but that didn’t make life easier to live.  She’s my hero.  So are you, and all family members of our military who stay home and keep about the business of day-to-day living that must be done when our soldiers are on the front.  THANK YOU.

  8. After reading this I appreciate out Military families even more. I say families because yes it is the Military men and women who fight for us but it’s the whole family who is making the scarifices. I hope everything works out in the way you want it to. I have a cousin who will be deployed to Iraq in August and I think about him everyday and hope he stays safe.Your attitude on all this is great. Big hugs. I’ll be thinking of you.

  9. OH sweetie.  You have so much going on!!!  I know that feeling of continually feeling like you’re picking yourself up. 
    It’s hard enough having my husband so far away….I just don’t know how I would handle it if he was in the military on deployment.  I don’t think I could deal with that.  I can imagine how incredibly hard it would be for you to be there alone.  I can’t even imagine.  Well… I will say…. if it does happen … I know you’re somewhere near or in the Black Forest …. I will be back in Munich should be by November…. so you’re always welcome to visit us!    We have a guest room! 
    I will keep you guys in my prayers.  I can see there are a lot of unknowns.  Frankly, I never work well with unknowns.  When it comes to my life, I like things to be planned out.  I’m not so good with the ambiguous stuff.  So, I know this all must really just weigh heavy on your heart.  I pray Our Savior will strengthen you, give you peace, and provide you both with a safe path.

  10. I have many friends who are in the military their spouses are. I have had friends who had to change their wedding date, miss the birth of their first born son, and miss the funeral of a parent. And like you, they deal with all obstacles incredibly well. They are dedicated people who sacrifice so much, and I admire all of them, including you. I too believe that all things happen for a reason. Please keep us updated as much as you can…Hearts & Prayers. :0)

  11. My goodness.. and that is why I am sooo glad that God has not chosen me to be a military wife.. I don’t honestly think I could cope with it. I have so much admiration and respect for you.. I can’t even express it.
    But, I will be praying.. because all of these unknowns are complete knowns to God.. He knows the plans He has for you.. I will just pray for peace for you.. and that things do work so that your family will get to spend time with you and him before the deployment..
    Love you!!!

  12. I will be praying for you.  I know all of those things have got to be frustrating..especially not knowing.  I’m sure it’s got to be really hard being so far away from your family too.   Maybe they can come visit you lots while Ryan is gone!!

  13. I also will be praying for you! You are such a strong woman of god! I couldn’t imagine what I would do if I were put in your shoes. I hate to be alone! I would have to invite family up one at a time!

  14. Good grief lady! Well, if there is one thing I do know, it is that God has plans for you. He’s just being a real stinker about sharing them though. I’m praying that you get some real answers soon. Love you, Me

  15. Definately praying for you.  Hoping things turn out ok for you both.  Maybe it will help w/having the family visit during the deployment if he has to go.  Something to think about.  I’m sure they would want to see Ryan too but at least they could be w/you to take your mind off things.  πŸ™‚  ~hugs~

  16. You do have an awful lot going on.  So many unanswered questions.  I don’t know how you handle it all.  I am praying for you guys that things will come together for the good of you and your families.  I know you and your DH probably hear this alot but, I do appreciate the sacrifices not only him but also you have made.  I couldn’t imagine having to go through what you are now.  I pray that God will be good to you.  I pray that his deployment will be closer to 4 than 12 months.  I pray that you guys will get to move closer to your family.  I pray that you will be able to start your family and that Ryan will be there to see it.  I pray for your happiness, your patience and your strength.  **Hugz**

  17. You are always in my prayers!  ((Hugs)) 
    (I want to write a bunch more but I need to run off to work…. please know I’m thinking of you and praying for you today!!!)

  18. That is a heavy load girl.  You both are always in my prayers.  If you can’t get Colorado like you want try for Texas.  If you get stationed in San Antonio or Witchita Falls you’ll be in the middle of this huge state and then you won’t have too far to go to get back to AZ.  At least if you’re in San Antonio you can take I-10 straight out.  Or if you’re clear up in Witchita Falls probably I-40. 
    I know there is nothing you can do but put it all in God’s hands and he’ll know what is best.  I hope when the deployment happens it’s not for that long and if you do become in the family way again Ryan can be home before he misses it all. *hugs* Good luck!

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