I find myself struggling to write this morning. I feel almost desperate with the need to express my feelings, to just pour out what it is that is torturing my mind. I have this overwhelming urge to express what it is that is causing such mental anguish. But I can not.
And I don’t know why.
It is the most unnerving feeling. As if I am running through dark halls expecting the roof to cave in on me any moment ducking my head trying desperately to get out in time. When in reality I am strolling through a field of daisies. I feel so rushed and harried. I can feel that frightening expectancy that sometime haunts me when the world closes in and yet… there is nothing. Nothing is going on in my life. Nothing more than usually. Yet I wake every morning with dread in my heart as to what the day might bring.
What could this be?
The leftover anxious feeling that I might possibly have to move? But why? I trust God to do what is best for us and in the end I am waiting for a group of politicians to decide if we MIGHT be moving sometime in the next 10 years or so. Why would this weigh on me so? Yes I am a bit anxious about moving but it would be an adventure.
The dread of summer coming? The last of the good whether rolling across this dessert? But why? This life is nothing but seasons. Without this scorching heat burning away the cool air and abundance of moisture there would be no need for the summer storms that are so fantastic here in this dessert. This is life changing, ebbing, flowing, just being.
The fear that Yoda is getting old? The anxiety at seeing Ryan’s younger brother again? Waiting for payday? Needing to paint parts of my house but I’ve been too busy? Doing my yard? All the little things that are with me daily?
A thousand little things and nothing at all. Why this weight, this burden on my spirit? This feeling that almost mimics being a child at the end of summer. When the knowledge that there is a week left of summer creeps into your mind and you desperately try to enjoy that week before school starts again but that freedom is tainted by the smell of Elmers school glue, peanut butter, and crayons dancing on the horizon. But what would be looming for me?
Maybe it is simply my own inability to capture my feelings that creates this sense of foreboding. I don’t know, and maybe this and only this is the problem. Maybe it is more, but what can I do about it? Nothing but wait. I say it often, that Life is in the journey and not the destination. So I will go on living, and growing, and marching forward and if life should throw a few punches along the way………. SO BE IT! This is life.
I will be patient I will wait……
“18 ….Sit still, my daughter, until you know how the matter will turn out, for the man will not rest until he has concluded the matter this day.” Ruth 3:18
I will trust God. His promise is to stand with me.
My pastor ,this Sunday, talked about being thrown in the furnace as Shaddrac, Meshac, and Abendigo where. They were bound and gagged and thrown into a fire to die. The king looked in and asked his servant ‘How many men did I throw into the fire?’ ‘Three my lord.’ The man answered. The king replied, ‘ I see four men loosed and walking in the fire and one appears as the Son of God!’
There were four men because God walked with them and notice how they were loosed, they had been bound and gagged. The fire of this world burns away only the things of this world…
This scripture has been on my heart this week…. “1 Fear not, for I have redeemed you. I have called you by your name. You are Mine. 2 When you pass through the waters I will be with you and through the rivers they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you. 3 For I am the Lord your God, the holy One of Israel, your Savior.” Isaiah 43:1-3 Funny how it ended up being something I so desperatly needed to hear.
So I will trust, and put this worry from my mind and my heart…. God is faithful.