One little boy and one little girl holding hands and spinning in the playground. 
The little boy let go and the girl went tumbling to the ground…..


That little boy, my cousin Timmy, is no longer a part of our lives.  My heart mourns the loss of him, my life has a hole in it, my world has an empty space.  He was my cousin, my husband’s best friend, my best friend’s childhood sweetheart.  He was the one that completed us.  We laughed and cried together, he rounded out a table at dinner so that no one sat alone and always made us laugh.  But not anymore……..



We grew up together, the four of us.  We were extensions of each other.  Timmy and Ryan were best friends for their whole lives just like me and Emma.  They were inseparable, they were always together.  Then of course there was the fact that as children I was in love with Ryan and Emily with Tim.  He was her first kiss… her childhood sweetheart.  


I remember once at a church camp up in Prescott when we were 13 and 14 we spent almost everyday exploring the woods.  We walked and talked and sang together.  The boys threw pine cones over hills to scare any bad guys away and us girls quietly rolled our eyes and let them be our heroes.  Then at night when we sat in the chapel they sat with us and prayed with us.  The four musketeers… the inseparable little group.  Wherever there was one there was two and where there was three there were all of us…  But not anymore…….



He was my husbands best man at our wedding.  He signed out marriage licence and walked my best friend down the aisle.  He drove us away in his big white van and he kissed my cheek and said goodbye.  He toasted at our wedding…. “To Ryan and Courtney, it has always been the four of us and may it always be!”  We all loved each other so much.  But not anymore….



The part that hurts the most is that no one knows what happened.  We came home from our honeymoon and there was a distance that had never been there before.  It grew and grew until there was a canyon in between and no way to cross it.   We tried so hard to reach him to touch his heart.  We broke ourselves on the rocks he had become.  There was nothing left to do but let go though we didn’t know that for years.  But now we know……



Wherever he went there was laughter.  Ryan and Timmy could crack up a whole room.  Whether the people in it wanted to laugh or not.  There was always joy wherever they went.  They were like fireflies lighting up the dark.  Maybe it burned too bright too fast.  Because now there is a dark spot in this life.  For years my husband would not even talk about him.  He mourned him as if he had died.  Imagine losing your best friend, now imagine that he was still alive and well in this world and the loss was his choice.  There was no explanation, no chance to defend or hold on just distance.  That distance slowly broke our hearts.  But not anymore……



Now I can remember him with fondness and that hint of bittersweet sorrow that happy moments long gone always bring me.  Ryan is healing too… We have come to a point where we can laugh about days gone by without anger.  We can mourn his loss without opening wounds in our hearts.  There is healing here but there will always be a space for him in our hearts.  He is a part of who we are, of who we became, and he is loved.  We were angry with him for so long.  But not anymore……



Look at us as children…. Ryan is the one being baptized, Timmy is the little boy with his feet in the pool behind him in the black shirt, I’m the little girl in the bottom right corner you can just see my bangs and a little of my back and Emily is the girl in the blue and white stripped shirt standing behind Timmy. 


I had to write this because he deserves to be more than mentioned as he has been before.  He was and is such a part of us. Maybe someday he will laugh his way back into our lives and there will be more than healing there will be joy but for now there is peace.  I love this picture because they didn’t know what was coming.  They had joy.  They were so young so innocent and so together.  But not anymore……


One little boy and one little girl holding hands and spinning in the playground.
The little boy let go and the little girl went tumbling to the ground. 


And then he walked away…… 


We will always love you Tim… Please know that.


Song of the day?  Timothy by Jet  I’m sure you can guess why.  Strange that there is a song that so completely fills the need I had. 


Courtney

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9 thoughts on “

  1. OH MY what a sad story sweetheart…I cried! At first I thought he had died…Im sorry for that loss tho! Im glad you will try to keep up before you leave again! Its no fun without your commenting and writing that daily nothings that surround our lives! Well! Talk to ya later…I know Hannahs growing so fast…sitting up…TEETH!…goodness my little girl isnt going to be so little for much longer! Im posting BRAND new pictures of her tomorrow! Love ya *hugs* Im still holding out that you will come decorate my house when we get stationed…LOL!
    Leah

  2. That’s sad. Well written but a sad story.
    Is everything okay with Angel? Haven’t heard from her in a few days.

  3. oh my gosh! im so glad you said yes!! yay! im so excited now!! *big smile* and if you have a baby by then it would be great! how fun!! hoooaaahhh to you! well we live in texas. san antonio to be exact and you live in arizone right! so its not that far!! woohooo!!! that gives all of us a year to start planning how to get you guys here and where youll stay and what not. oh im so excited! and honored that you are coming! i cant wait to meet you and ryan!! yay!!!! okay ive got some big time updating to do on here dont i? lol. a lot has been going on so ill get back to you really soon!! thank you!
    Daphne

  4. I’m remembering a conversation we had in Village Inn one day, about Em, and wondering if that has anything to do with it? Maybe he isn’t ready yet and didn’t know how to say no.Just a thought…Beautifully written hun, glad you got it out. I know you feel better now. Okay, gotta go let the masses know I’m still alive. Love ya, see you Friday….Me

  5. That was beautiful. I cried. It’s horrible to lose your best friend to death…but to lose them when they are still alive and well must be horrible. Thinking about ya little darlin!

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