As I am sure you have all noticed over the last week or so of my posts I have been having a hard week.  There are a few different things that are really bothering me.  None of them are a very big deal just things that have been getting me down lately…..

The first thing that is on my mind is simply my health.  I am 24 and have the following problems: PCOS, hypertension (high blood pressure), sleep apnea, psuedo tumor cerebri, infertility, cronic heartburn, hypothyrodism, and a few other minor problems. 

As a result of all these things I am fat.  I don’t mean 15 pound over weight or even 50 pounds, I mean 130 pounds over weight.  I have been told that I will never lose the weight without treatment of these problems.  The problem is they have treated each one but with everything else that is wrong they can’t pinpoint one thing at a time to treat because they can’t tell if things are working.  I have also been told that without treatment I could be blind by 35, or even die of a heart attack in the next few years, be diabetic by 30, and never have children to name a few things. 

So I oppted for the treatments…. Diets, pills, creams, hormones, tests, poking and prodding, xrays, catscans, (almost but thank God not spinal taps), endless bloodtests, and through it all two miscarrages.  These health problems have been marching steadily forward since I was about 15 but in the last four years (most of my married life) they are really taking over.   So after four years of some truly harsh and sadly hopless treatments my doctors have decided that I am a perfect canadate for gastric bypass surgery. 

So here is my problem I have been told several times lately that gastric bypass surgery is nothing but a quick fix.  I have to say that this comment really truly upsets me and I can’t help but think it is an ignorant conclusion to make.  I have been through four years of my own personal hell.  I have fought as hard as I can and have come out the other side with more problems more weight and two angels in heaven, but not in my arms. 

When this surgery was suggested it was not some light and easy decision to make for me.  I prayed studied and ended up in six months of classes and seminars.  I will go through months of excrutiating pain while my body heals and relearns its functions.  I will spend the rest of my life eating 1/2 of a cup of food five times a day.  Just to illistrate, 1/2 a cup is one of those little apple sauce cups. It is a major physical, mental, and lifestyle change that I will have to work on every day for the rest of my life. 

But I have exhausted all of the other options open to me and none have so much as touched a problem let alone resolved it.  So I am going to have this major surgery, go through this pain, and God willing come out the other side healthy, happy, able to bear children, and be a good and active mother.  But that will still take years.  I figured out that if I have my surgery in December I may be holding a baby in my arms as early as January of 2007. Does any of this sound like a quick fix or a light desicion?  Does it sound like I am rushing into it or that I have made an uniformed decision? 

The second thing that has me really down this week is closely related to the first problem.  My husband and I have been trying to conceive for four and a half years now and yesterday I had to go to a baby shower.  The woman the shower is for is one of my best friends and my cousin.  I love her to death and am desperatly happy for her.  But this is a woman who has been married for less time than we have been trying. And the kicker is… they weren’t trying.  Then I found out the day before the shower that another cousin that had her one year anniversary two weeks ago would be telling everyone she was pregnant too at the shower.  They weren’t trying either.  It’s not that I’m not happy and excited for them both I just feel sad. 

In the end it was a little much for me to handle.  I think I did handle the situation well though… I made her some beautiful baby blankets (I crochet) and wraped them in sheer fabric and put them in a basket.  I tied the whole thing up in a pink silky ribbon with some silk flowers.  It was really pretty if I don’t say so myself.  I have to toot my own horn a little.  They gave me a standing ovation when they found out I made them.  (Well a few people stood but they all clapped.) That felt good.  I even got a few requests.  After Mom to be opened it I made my excuses and went home to wallow.

Which brings me to my third problem.  I was sorry almost as soon as I got in my car.  There was no one to go home to.  I would have loved to go home and cuddled up on the couch with my hubby with a cup of hot apple cider and watch a movie.  He would have let me cry and sigh and sniffle then he would have rubbed my hair until I fell asleep.  I miss him so much!!!  And now they have extended him.  He won’t be home until halfway through January now.  I almost can’t breath without him some days.  Other days I just plod along,  but we are a family, a unit and you get used to leaning a little on someone else.  Then he is abruptly ripped away and what do you do?

Okay enough wallowing.  I swear to those of you who don’t know me, I am not usually like this.  I will get better.  I found two quotes that I just have to share with you they made me laugh.  Here you go….

“If someone is going to kill me I want him take a personal interest.” Amelia Peabody

“I am a firm believer in psychology when it agrees with my own opinions.” Amelia Peabody

Oh the other thing I was going to say was that I just watched ‘The Hours’ for the first time.  Weird.  I honestly don’t know what to think.  It was a really well made movie, very touching, moving.  Let’s just say not the correct movie to watch while I am feeling like this.

Thank you all for letting me bend your ears.  I hope you have a wonderful day.  Here is another great quote to finish off this thought…..

“To look life in the face, to finally look life in the face, and know it for what it is, at last to really know and love it for what it is…..”  The Hours



5 thoughts on “

  1. Hi there Fallensparrow. I know exactly what you mean, what you were saying about Germany… except for me, its Korea. I’ve heard endless stories about Korea, and it does hit a nerve. I really hate Korea. Like I can’t even hardly stand to hear about it anymore. I guess my husband has some sort of attachment or sentimental thoughts to that place, but I just don’t see it. He has it on his dream list for overseas assignments!! Most soldiers dread going. And I guess I also hate Korea with a passion because I know the women there go after soldiers, in those bars and other places too. Ive heard about Korea messing with so many healthy marriages. *sigh*
    I won’t rattle on, you know how I feel though!

  2. I also have a mini schnauzer!!  I’m 24, and have hypothyroidism too, isn’t that strange?  Its a horrible disease..
    As far as the gastric bypass surgery, you seem to be pretty well informed about it..Will it help with all of your health problems?  Or just fertility?    I can’t really give you advice, because I don’t know a whole lot about that surgery, just be sure that it will make you happy in the end..Good luck with your decision..
    I do hope you start to feel better soon..
    *hugs* kritti

  3. Even though I already know all of this, it is still hard to hear. You be brave, and you be strong, and you…refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person! And come to me…I may not be Ryan, but I will rock you in my arms if that is what you need. Anything, anytime, anywhere…I love you baby girl.                                Auntie Angel

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