I was having a conversation with a friend today about children.  She, like me, has had trouble conceiving.  My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for almost four years and after all the doctors appointments, pills, and advice we have suceeded in having 2 miscarrages.  

So sometimes I have a really hard time trusting that God has my best interests in mind especially when the months go by and there is no baby. (Even writing that down makes me blush

So anyway we were talking about how annoying it is to go into a grocery store and see a mother screaming at her kids and calling them names, don’t get me wrong I know everyone has a bad day but I’m talking about foul, obscene, not okay behavior. or how hard it is to watch Maternaty Ward on TLC and see a woman have her fourth crack baby.  You can’t help but think….

“God if those people can have kids why can’t I? I think I deserve it, I want them and I have worked hard for them.” 

 And sometimes I get mad when God doesn’t answer. 

Today I read, again, a passage of scripture that blows my mind.  It scares the snot out of me and at the same time is oddly comforting.  It also makes me think that sometimes no answer is better than the answer Job got when he questioned God.  Here it is sorry it is long….. 


Job 38:3-18
“[3] Now prepare yourself like a man; I will question you and you shall answer Me.  [4] Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth?  Tell Me, if you have understanding.  [5] Who determined its measurements?  Surely you know!  Or who stretched the line upon it?  [6] To what were its foundations fastened?  Or who laid its cornerstone,  [7] When the morning stars sang together, and all the sons of God shouted for joy?  [8] Or who shut in the sea with doors, when it burst forth and issued from the womb;  [9] When I made the clouds its garment, and thick darkness its swaddling band;  [10] When I fixed My limit for it, and set bars and doors;  [11] When I said, This far you may come, but no further, and here your proud waves must stop!  [12] Have you commanded the morning since your days began, and caused the dawn to know its place,  [13] That it might take hold of the ends of the earth, and the wicked be shaken out of it?  [14] It takes on form like clay under a seal, and stands out like a garment,  [15] From the wicked their light is withheld, and the upraised arm is broken.  [16] Have you entered the springs of the sea?  Or have you walked in search of the depths?  [17] Have the gates of death been revealed to you?  Or have you seen the doors of the shadow of death?  [18] Have you comprehended the bredth of the earth?  Tell Me, if you know all this.”

And I think how could I ever question my God?  He has commanded the morning since his days began.  How could he not know what is best for me?  How could I think that the God who says….

“[1] Fear not, for I have redeemed you;  I have called you by your name;  You are Mine.  [2]When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.  When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you. [3] For I am the Lord you God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.”  Isaiah 43:1-3

….does not love me.  He also says, “But the very hairs of your head are all numbered” [Matthew 10:30]  How could a God who cared enough to know that, not be acting in my best interest? 

So I can come to only one conclusion.  God is worthy of my trust of my everything.  And above all… God is smarter than me!!!

I have to stick the lyrics of the song I am listening to in here as they are very valid for the above post.


One single drop of rain
Your salty tear became blue ocean
One tiny grain of sand turning in your hand
A world in motion

You’re out beyond the furthest morning star
Close enough to hold me in your arms

I lift up my heart and I cry
My Adonai
You are Maker of each moment
Father of my hope and freedom
Oh, my Adonai

One timid faithful knock
Resounds upon the Rock of Ages
One trembling heart and soul
Becomes a servant bold and courageous

You call across the mountains and the seas
I answer from the deepest part of me


From age to age you reign in majesty
And today you’re making miracles in me


4 thoughts on “

  1. Courtney,    What to say here.That I understand? I do. That I’ve felt what you are feeling? I have.That I KNOW the agony of watching mothers who do not deserve get that precious gift over and over while we wait in fear that we will never get that opportunity? I have SO been there.And yet you have held my answer in your arms, and you have dried his tears. God will provide Courtney. He will.If He saw fit to give me Lucas, when I was SO not worthy, Yours cannot be far behind.And while I do understand, I know also, that I do not. Because I forgot that particular agony, much like childbirth, when I finally held him in my arms. Just as you will someday forget, in Gods time. Rest on HIM, because, through God, all things are possible.I am living in your life, proof. I love you,                                         Auntie Angel

  2. Amen and amen! With all my heart I agree with Sue. Beautifully written. The only way in which I can relate to be honest is not having a husband. So in a smaller way I guess I can relate to your pain. I love you!!!! More later
    Mid sis

  3. Thanks Charly,     But you’re day will also come. You all watched me, know that He works in his own time. Some of us just come to it later, rather than sooner. Which is SO frustrating! I know, easy for me to say. But I have been there. Actually, all OVER there! HAHAHA… Loving you All,                                Auntie Angel

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