Sometimes when there are people all around me I feel so alone. I miss my husband. I am so proud of him for what he does, so thankful that he believes in what he does….but it is really hard to not have him here. To wake up in the middle of the night and feel like an ocean of bed is all around you without his weight (and lets face it his snores) to anchor you. So hard to realize that when you laugh out loud at a joke it falls on emptiness. Suddenly you become that tree falling in the woods, yes you do make a sound. I think the real question is what does it matter if it makes a sound when no one is there to hear it? It is hard to realize that our first Christmas in our first house that we actually own will be the first Christmas he isn’t home.
We do everything together. We split chores and yardwork and taking care of the boys…we even go grocery shopping together! And lets face it I have been able to keep up no problem, but I have been fighting being sick the last week or so and there is no one to lean on. I am looking around and my house needs cleaning, my dogs need washing, both the front and back yards need weeding, and there is laundry to do. How does so much pile up? And I just don’t want to do it alone.
I want him to come home and make it fun. Dance his stupid dance while he sweeps or mops wichever he takes.. His off key singing while he folds laundry (which he always does since I don’t do six inch squares thank God for the military neurosis!! Aren’t I lucky?) I want him to come home.
And the really ironic part is I love to be alone. I am a very solitary person but he is part of me. So I am with people a lot now because they don’t want me to be alone but I don’t just want company I want him. (Please don’t take this the wrong way you guys I still appreciate it more than you will ever know.) You know when you crave a steak but there is none to be had, so you settle for the lazagna you have. There is nothing wrong with lazagna but even if you eat it till your sick it won’t satisfy quite like you had hoped. That is what I feel like. (Trust me to compare my feelings for my husband to food)
And when he calls me from thousands of miles away and says and I copied and pasted the following so it is word for word…..
“I love you with everything
in me and I miss
you more with each passing day. You keep me sane above all
you I think I’m going to go nuts. I mean literally off my
rocker. I can’t
count how many nights I’ve come “home” from work and just
wanted to cry
myself to sleep in your loving arms. I miss being near
you. I miss the way
your hair smells at night. I miss rubbing your head. I
I read that and I can’t breath… How can you keep sane when someone you love so much your heart aches with it even when they’re there, is hurting so much and you can’t do anything? I never knew that when you say your heart hurts it is possible for that to mean you have physical pain, my heart is breaking…..
God keep him safe, wrap your arms around him, let him know he is loved beyond anything he could ever hope for. Send my love and prayers on swift wings. Hold up his head and streghten his legs that he may walk tall and proud for his God, his country, the people who don’t appreciate him, and the people who do, and for me. God surround him with angels and I don’t mean the pretty one’s that play harps in fairy tales. I mean the warriors. Please don’t let him feel alone tonight. Amen.